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antigwenallies Nov. 11th, 2007 11:36 am)Title:How to kill Gwen in six easy steps
Author:Haces222
Pairing: Jack/Ianto Tosh/Rhys Owen/Gwen
Summary: The team plan to rectify a mistake
Rating: Possibly teen
Authors notes: Pure crack with the bonus point of major Gwen bashing
Step 1
Motive
“You do realise this is all your fault.”
Jack attempted to look as innocent as possible, which wasn’t an easy task under the circumstances, as he was all too aware that yes it was his fault. “What! How was I to know that beneath her surface was just more surface. So what do you suggest we do?”
“Well because somebody didn’t want to leave rectoning her to the professionals *cough Harkness cough* we can’t recton her as it won’t stick.”
“Thank you so much for that insight, doctor, so I’ll repeat my question. How do we get rid of Gwen?”
The four team members gazed at each other, deep in though on what to do with the annoyance that was known as Gwen. Finally Tosh cleared her throat and replied.
“I guess we’ll just have to get rid of her permanently.” She was met after this startling announcement by three nodding heads, but the question was, how?
Once again the team lapsed into silence as they considered the tricky conundrum that was Gwen. After a few minutes Ianto commented “We need to do this delicately, she can’t suspect a thing.”
Step 2
Laying the groundwork
Having fobbed off Gwen by sending her to question a member of the public who’d seen an ’alien’ in the town centre (who just happened to be a good friend of Owen and a woman who could talk ten to the dozen)
The four remaining members of Torchwood gathered together for their first meeting of the ’how to get rid of Jack’s mistake’ club. Jack chaired the meeting while Ianto took notes, after sipping his coffee which Ianto had thoughtfully provided Owen cleared his throat and said.
“The first thing we need to do is recton anyone who knew she worked for Torchwood starting with Rhys and ending with well probably the entire police force.” at this all four of them blanched ever so slightly until Ianto replied.
“Leave the police to me, I have quite a good rapport with them and it shouldn’t be too difficult to slip some recton into their coffees the next time I go there to smooth over their rumpled feathers.”
Tosh murmured thoughtfully “Rhys may be more difficult, he doesn’t trust Torchwood so leave him to me.” The three men nodded emphatically at that, after which Jack clapped his hands together and bought the first meeting of their club to a close.
Step 3
Putting the plan in action
Ianto stopped as he reached the entrance to Cardiff’s Police Station, shifted the large tray he was carrying so that it was more comfortable and took a deep breath. Walking into the station he was greeted by several cheery waves and “Hellos.” from the surrounding officers. Heading straight to Detective Kathy Swanston‘s overcrowded work station he once again resisted the urge to tidy it whilst coughing politely to get her attention.
Kathy looked up and after spying the large covered tray in his hands, said “Ooh Torchwood visits bearing gifts.” she lifted the cover and peered at the raspberry and coconut muffins, grinned and gestured to her right. “I should think by now you know where the kitchen is.”
Ianto grinned, bowed slightly and made his way to the little kitchen in the corner, once he was alone he turned on the coffee machine and pulled the bottle out of his pocket. Sometimes it paid to look innocent.
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tosh sat in the corner of the pub and watched her target, he was surrounded by all his work colleagues though he was paying no attention to anything that was said around him as once again he’d been stood up in favour of a job. Tosh sighed and climbed to her feet, moving towards the bar she made sure to pick the spot where Rhys was standing staring into nothing. Leaning forward as if to order a drink she deliberately knocked his arm as he went to take a sip of his beer, spilling it.
“Oh I’m terribly sorry, please let me buy you another drink,” Rhys tried to brush this young Japanese woman off but she wouldn’t take no for an answer. And pretty soon he found himself ushered into a corner with a fresh drink in his hand and the loud comments of his mates, “Get in there my son!” ringing in his ears.
Rhys gazed at his drinking companion, she seemed a nice enough girl. He couldn’t see anything wrong with spending a few minutes inn her company, but first. “If you’ll excuse me for a few moments I just need to visit the little boys room.
Once he’d gone she sighed and took a bottle out of her pocket.
Step 4
Distraction
Later on in the day the three male members of the club were having an argument, Tosh and Gwen had been sent on an errand with Tosh throwing dark looks left, right and centre. The problem was they’d come across a little hiccup in their plan, that after all the effort of wiping the memories of those people who knew Gwen had joined Torchwood and replacing them with the idea that Gwen had moved across the border to a better job without a backward glace they now had to keep her away from said people until they managed to dispose of her properly. And this meant distracting her.
“Look Harkness, you’re the leader and you should take the lead in this!”
Jack shook his head vehemently, “No thank you I wouldn’t touch her with a bargepole and believe me I’ll touch most things.”
“Well what about the teaboy, he should do it.”
Ianto smiled slightly and replied, “Sorry Owen, she doesn’t fancy me, she want’s you and Jack, so it’s going to have to be one of you two.” And as one the two men looked at Owen.
“What! Why me?”
“Look at it this way, you’ve already had her, so it’s not as if you can claim the higher ground here, is it?”
“Yeah but, I really don’t want to have to face that grinning gap-toothed bimbo climbing all over me.”
“Oh come on Owen, take it like a man. It’s for the greater good, and if it helps just close your eyes and think of the peace and quite we’ll have when all this is over.
At that point the ladies entered the Hub, and taking a deep breath Owen walked over to Gwen and smiled at her.
Step 5
Execution of the plan
Fortunately for Owen’s sanity, Torchwood got the call the next day of a disturbance not far out of town with the usual mutant monkey’s making a nuisance of themselves. So leaving Tosh and Ianto behind to coordinate, the team set out on the seemingly cut and dry job of collecting said Weevil and bringing it back to the base.
They cornered said Weevil in a barn and as one the team stepped forward to capture it alive, with Owen at it’s left, Jack in front of it and Gwen to it’s right. The two men glanced at each other, this had to be done just right, if Gwen even suspected what they were up to all their planning would be for nought.
As the snarling sapping Weevil moved closer to them, Owen and Jack slowly started sidling away inch by inch. The Weevil seemed to notice this (although their team-mate didn’t) and began to concentrate his effort o the weak link. And once the two men were sufficiently far enough away he pounced and went for her jugular. She had just long enough to scream “JACK!” before she collapsed under the body of the Weevil.
Sending a furtive look around Jack waited until she had stopped moving and then taking out a tranquiliser gun he shot the Weevil, and then with Owen’s help placed it in the back of the SUV. After which they collected one of Ianto’s black body bag’s and stuffed her into it then threw her in the back with the Weevil.
Once they reached the Hub the team moved the Weevil to it’s new quarters and placed Gwen still in her body bag into the morgue shelf next to Susie’s. after closing it Ianto finished the paperwork put a padlock on the door and went down to join the party.
Step 6
Party time
Ianto could hear the music all the way down in the morgue, and as he moved towards the main Hub the beat just got louder. Entering the main body of the building he saw that the other three had made a reasonable attempt at decorating the Hub, with streamers and banners and balloons.
“Okay, she’s locked away, can somebody hand me a drink and perhaps lower the noise a little, the Weevils are trying to sleep. And to be honest our new friend was looking a little peaky.”
“Yeah,” said Jack, “Owen gave it a paper hat and it ate it, although I’m not sure whether it was the hat or Gwen that gave him stomach ache. But he’ll be okay once he’s shit it out.”
After a short time the party came to an end as four people a party don’t make, Jack suggested inviting the guest of honour but he still had a stomach ache and wouldn’t come out of his corner. So Tosh suggested a visit to the local pub.
So with a lighter step Owen with his arm around Tosh, and Jack and Ianto holding hands they made their way down to celebrate in earnest.
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From: (Anonymous)
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"Jack and Ianto holding hands they made their way down to celebrate in earnest." such a sweet image
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I'm glad you enjoyed it
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I suppose you won't tell me who you are
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and you ~inspired me to make an icon >:D
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Loved the 'Gap Toothed Bimbo' line.
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loved every letter of it ^___^
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I blame Janet!
Actually loved the story and laughed (slightly) along with it :)
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Just say the word though ;)
If you look at the comment above my other one it's her's annnd she worries about me *grin*
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Hmmm, you can put it on Torchwood Crack!ed Up but put up a major warning about Gwen bashing...some people do like her :)
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It was fun to write too.