The Unfortunate Departure of Gwen Cooper 2/3

[rangeofvision.livejournal.com]

Title: The Unfortunate Departure of Gwen Cooper
Chapters: 2/3
Wordcount: 3086
Pairing: jack/ianto
Rating: PG13
Summary: The day has finally come - the team feeds Gwen to Myfanwy!
AN: still unbetad and I'm sorry for the possible mistakes! Enjoy!

 

Three days later the team minus Gwen - who was never really a part of the team - is finishing their grand plan. Well technically it’s Iantos plan but since Owen absolutely refused to do "anything that the bloody teaboy orders" Ianto compromised. So feeding Gwen - or at least her head since it’s unlikely that Myfanwy will stand more than that - to the pterodactyl is their plan. And now, if everything goes according to the plan they can go out tonight to celebrate the unfortunate departure of Gwen Cooper.

"You printed the pages?" Ianto asks calmly looking like he’s not just about to feed her co-worker to supposedly extinct dinosaur.

"Yes" Toshiko answers failing in covering her grin. "Excellent job I must say. Like straight from the magazine. Even the whole barbeque sauce article."

"How did you do that?" Jack says pointing at the page which looks like it was ripped straight from an expensive fashion magazine. "How did you get a fancy model dip her hair in barbeque sauce? It wasn’t anything sexual, was is?"

"No, of course not" Ianto rolls his eyes and looks at the picture of stunning blonde woman on the page. "I knew someone who knew her."

"Who knows chicks like that?" Owen asks with a whistle.

"Our old friend PC Andy. It turned out that after he got over his crush on Gwen - I know, shocking is it, someone crushing on her - he had more than a few willing females in line" Ianto explains. "He called that girl, Sarah was her name, and asked for a favour. She runs the PC Andy fan club in Cardiff."

"PC Andy has a fan club?"

"Yup. It’s international, don’t ask me how. Www.pcandywillyoumarryme.com, 784 members already. One of them is from China."

"And you know all this how?" Jack smirks. "Should I be jealous?"

"I know everything" Ianto answers with a mystical smile. "But back to business. We do want to get rid of Gwen, right? I understand that PC Andy is a good subject to talk about for hours but work before fun."

"You’re boring teaboy" Owen groans but his overwhelming need of killing Gwen is bigger than his need of teasing the teaboy so he lets it go.

"Of course I could invite him to the pub tonight, to share our First Night Without Gwen Bloody Cooper party" Ianto suggests.

"Oh!" Toshiko squeals. "Would he come?"

"He might if I ask nicely…"

"He should come. He has amazing ass" Jack sighs.

"…but I doubt it because he has something else to do with this Sarah" Ianto finishes his sentence smoothly and to avoid further complications ignores Owens look and Jacks annoyingly knowing smile. "Lets go trough The Plan once more."

"We know it backwards by now" Jack comments.

"Then lets hear it backwards" Ianto smiles pleasantly. "I can start. Newg lliw emoc ni noos dna I lliw yas taht ckaJ, hsoT dna newO era gnitnuh sliveew."

"Could you be any more pathetic?" Owen asks.

"No."

"That’s what I thought."

Jack clears his throat and they go trough the plan once again. When Gwen will come in Jack and Owen will hide with the video cameras to places where they can get the clearest views. Tosh will take care of the sound feed by hiding behind her work station. Ianto himself will casually boast with his newest number of Vogue which is still unpublished and if that won’t catch Gwens attention nothing will. Then Ianto will innocently mention the full bottle of barbeque sauce on Owens desk, Jack will use his wristband to free Myfanwy and the rest should be history recorded on film.

"I think we should go to our positions. She will be here soon, she’s over an hour late now and she always comes to catch the first coffee and pastries round" Ianto says.

"Good luck" Tosh smiles at him.

"Don’t screw this up teaboy or I’ll personally feed you to Myfanwy" Owen comments.

"She wouldn’t eat him. She might be a prehistoric beast but she knows not to bite the hand that feeds her dark chocolate when they think no one is looking at them" Jack smirks.

"You have been spying me trough the CCTV. Again" Ianto rolls his eyes. "Do I have to even mention that that’s harassment sir?"

"It’s not harassment if you like it" Jack says and with a wink smacks Iantos ass on his way down the spiral staircase.

Ianto growls after him but as Owen would state if the Gwen alarm wasn’t going off Ianto looks horribly pleased for someone whose being harassed by his boss. Tosh yells everyone to hurry up and dives under her desk. Owen and Jack barely manage to hide before the cog door rolls open and Gwen Cooper marches to the Hub like she owns the place sending a beaming smile towards the ledge where Jack usually stands at this time of the morning. Her face falls immediately when she notices that her boss is not present.

"Ianto where is Jack?" she demands managing to look at him down her nose even when he’s standing higher than she is.

"The Captain, Toshiko and Owen went out. Rift alarm came twenty minutes ago, apparently some weevils running around Splott. They should be back before midday."

"Why did no one tell me?"

Ianto wants to say that it was because she was late but swallows the sharp words and instead answers: "They didn’t want to bother you. They wanted you to have a nice morning with Rhys."

"Rhys!" Gwen scoffs. "Jack knows that he can call me whenever he wants. Rhys doesn’t mean a thing to me compared to this job and him."

"I remember to remind him about that for the future."

"I can fully remind him myself" she answers.

"Whatever you want Gwen."

He slowly walks down the stairs keeping his eyes on the printed fake Vogue pages on his hand. He spent the whole last night writing the articles and he hopes that they’re good enough to pass as real for Gwen. He knows she reads these magazines, he has seen countless numbers of Vogue, Elle and Glamour in her desk drawers and she reads them everyday instead of doing paperwork. He hums to himself and lifts his eyebrows turning the page, making the sound as loud as he can.

"You and your reports Ianto. No wonder you have no life."

"Actually I’m not reading reports. Read them already. I got these from my friend" he answers waving the papers in the air, slow enough to let her see the glossy pages and fashion pictures but fast enough to stop her from looking at them clearly.

"What are those?"

"Just few new beauty tips from the next Vogue. I thought Toshiko might like these" he answers mentally doing a victory dance - she’s hooked.

"The next Vogue doesn’t come to the stores before next week" she snaps marching to him immediately with her ’I-demand-answers’ look.

"Oh, I know. But I have my ways of getting these to my hands before anyone else."

"Let me see!"

"Oh I’m not sure if that is wise, see these are not something I can just show around…"

"Just give them to me!" Gwen snaps and practically runs to snatch the papers from his hand.

"He’s good" Owen mumbles to Jack in the shadows holding the video camera in his hand.

"I know" Jack grins back, zooming his own camera to the small self satisfied small playing on Iantos lips.

Gwen starts to flick trough the five pages Toshiko printed earlier that morning and her eyes are gleaming with excitement. She squeals aloud when he sees the fashion spread where the skinny model is wearing exactly same shirt than Gwen herself bought a week ago. Ianto leans to the railing, hips cocked and smirking slightly. In the shadows Jack licks his lips and zooms his camera anywhere but to Gwen. That’s the main reason why Owen was allowed to hold a camera in the first place. Everyone knew that Jack couldn’t fully concentrate on Gwen and her idiotic expressions when Ianto was playing a role.

"Barbeque sauce!" she shouts her eyes almost bulging out from her head. "Who would’ve guessed that! Does it really work?"

"How could I know" Ianto shrugs casually. "Fashion is not exactly my thing."

"Says the man who dresses in Armani suits" Toshiko mumbles under her desk.

She once got dragged to a shopping spree with Ianto and he surprised her completely. She has never met anyone who is as obsessive shopper as the young Welsh man. Everything had to be just right before he bought it and even though it was sometimes extremely frustrating to watch him ponder upon which tie would go best with his navy shirt for an hour (she’s not kidding, honestly) it was all worth it. When they got to the women’s department he kept bringing her these amazing garments that magically fit her perfectly and made her look amazing. He has an impeccable taste.

"I should try this sometimes. I wonder if Rhys has barbeque sauce…" Gwen mumbles looking at the article.

"He might have… But oh! Look there, at Owens table!" Ianto says his eyes widening in a fake surprise. "Is that barbeque sauce?"

"It is! What a coincidence!" Gwen grins skipping towards the full bottle.

Behind her back Ianto rolls his eyes and wonders how much more stupid a human being could possibly be. He dares to look where he knows Jack and Owen hide in the shadows and grimaces, nodding upwards to Myfanwys nest. Then he turns around and walks where Gwen is turning the barbeque sauce bottle around in her hands.

"Does the brand matter?" she asks.

"I suppose no. I think it goes well with any barbeque sauce - it’s not like they have so many differences" he answers running a list in his head about all the differences between barbeque sauce brands. "I think that brand will bring silky smooth results as well as the more expensive brands."

"Silky smooth, huh?" she smiles. "Kind of like Jacks hair. You know that’s the reason why we are so good together. We have the perfect hair. See you and Jack, you could never be anything. Just look at the mirror!"

Jack makes an offended sound from his throat and Owen has to smack him on the ribs to make him keep quiet. Jack would like to go to Gwen and slap her. Suddenly the idea of feeding her to a pterodactyl feels so much better. Personally he loves Iantos hair. It’s not like he has had many opportunities to run his fingers trough the soft short strands but he has touched them enough to know how soft they are.

"Well maybe I should try the barbeque sauce then too to improve my hair status" Ianto comments between gritted teeth.

"Nah, it wouldn’t work so well for you" Gwen comments and opens the bottle and sniffs it. "You bought this?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"For coffee" Ianto says without missing a beat and frowns not knowing why the hell did he say that. "I use it to spice up Jacks coffee. My secret ingredient."

"Oh!" Gwen yells. "That’s what you’re using? I always thought you used Tabasco or something."

"No" Ianto says stifling his laughter. "It’s all in the barbeque sauce. Works every time."

"I bet it does. Do you mind if I use this right away?"

"Of course not. The team is gone and if you work fast you can wash your hair before Jack comes in. The results should be immediate."

"Okay!" she beams and rolls up her sleeves and squirts a fair amount of the sauce on her palms. "This is so exciting! Imagine, I must be the first woman to try this!"

Ianto smiles silently and watches how Gwen rubs the barbeque sauce to her hair grinning like a mad woman all the time. The anticipation is thick in the air, like electricity and he can’t wait the moment Jack lets Myfanwy loose. He kind of pities Myfanwy though, no one deserves to be tricked into eating any part of Gwen Cooper, especially her head where all her stupidity is centred. He takes a step back because this has all the possibilities of becoming really ugly and he does indeed wear an Armani suit and he doesn’t want blood spatters on it. Their drycleaner always looks him a little oddly when he walks in with blood stained clothes. The ’I spilled red wine/paint on it’ excuse doesn’t work every time.

He carelessly leans to the wall glancing at the shadows. He can imagine what grin Jack must have on his lips, the wide kind which shows too much of too white teeth and which looks like it’s ready to swallow him down anytime at the day - and knowing Jack and his intentions it probably is.

"This is kind of tingling" Gwen says and makes a face. "I hope this comes off my hair. What about the smell?"

"It’s a Vogue tip Gwen, I think they have thought everything" Ianto answers calmly. "After all it’s designed for your best interests."

"Well there is that" she grins and squirts a bit more of the sauce straight to her hair.

To his satisfaction there are trickles of sauce falling down her face also. A smorgasbord for Myfanwy.

Ianto turns his head towards the shadows fixing a glance at a direction he hopes Jack is in and nods his head steadily, smile curling on his lips. It is time. He hears the familiar swish of the opening door up in the nest and then the rattle and shuffling when Myfanwy moves towards her ledge overlooking the Hub. Gwen is not paying any attention to it and Ianto is happy about that. If she realized their plot now she still would have time to save herself. No one wants that.

He whistles silently, a careless show tune he heard from the radio on his way here and far above him Myfanwy spreads her wings and screeches. He freezes for a moment and every muscle in his body tenses, ready to hold Gwen on place with force if necessary - he won’t watch his plan to fail when they’re almost at their goal.

"Oh that bloody big bird again!" Gwen curses. "Why must it keeps such an awful noise? If I was Jack I would just shoot it down. It’s useless."

Ianto would like to argue against that - in the end he wouldn’t be here without Myfanwy - but keeps his mouth shut. He would get his revenge soon enough. He whistles again, calling Myfanwy to him, letting her smell the strong spicy scent of barbeque sauce, letting her notice that there is food to eat. The next time she screeches it sounds more exciting. Owen always mocks him about his ability to understand their prehistoric pet perfectly but he shrugs it off. It took a while to hear the difference between hungry Myfanwy, excited Myfanwy, content Myfanwy and seriously pissed off Myfanwy.

She flies above Gwen is tiny circles having some problems with the width of her wings and she's clearly a bit confused. She knows a living human from a dead meat from abattoir and he has trained her well not to eat people. It feels almost like she’s looking for him to ask permission and it warms his heart quite a lot, knowing that a creature like her feels the need to ask permission from a skinny Welsh man like he is. He whistles again and points at Gwen hoping that she doesn’t catch him. Myfanwy clacks her beak.

"Go on" he mumbles. "Good girl."

"Did you say something?" Gwen asks licking a trail of barbeque sauce trailing over her lips. "God this stuff is spicy."

"I didn’t say a thing" Ianto answers.

He sees a movement from the corner of his eye, it’s Jack moving from the shadows to get a better view. Owen soon follows, both being silent but wearing extremely excited expressions.

"Could you please order that overgrown bird away?" Gwen asks looking up.

"I’m afraid no" is all Ianto has time to say before Myfanwy pulls her wings closer to her body and dives.

Ianto would like to say that it happens like in slow motion, but really, it doesn’t (though he will certainly watch it happening slow motion from the video). Myfanwys beak opens and Gwen looks up, screaming in terror. He knows he probably shouldn’t be enjoying about this as much as he is but he can’t help it - to his shock he lets out a whoop of joy when Myfanwys beak closes around Gwens head and her screams are muffled. Jack rushes to his side to watch it from the best place. Tosh scrambles up from her hiding place and no one has ever seen her smiling so much. Owen is holding the camera steady but he looks unnaturally happy considering his usual character.

They watch together as Gwens limbs stop waving around and her knees buck. Myfanwy keeps her old of her head though but spits it out pretty soon. And yes, there is quite a lot of blood but for once Ianto is not complaining about cleaning it all up - as Owen said few days ago this is so totally worth of the mess. Jack puts down the camera and uses his freed hands to crush Ianto against his chest in a vigorous hug.

"You are fantastic!" he mumbles against Iantos hair and he blushes prettily.

"It was nothing really, sir. Just doing my job - you know, making the work environment better for every single one of us."

"You certainly did that" Jack grins.

"Well thank you sir."

"I could definitely kiss you now."

"And I wouldn’t let you. We are still working."

"Is that a maybe?" Jack asks with hope in his voice.

"I would call that as a definite later" Ianto answers and with a mischievous smile pulls himself away from Jack.

At the background Owen pretends to gag.

Ianto doesn’t pay him any attention, just goes to Gwen and kicks her still body to make sure she’s really dead, not just faking it, ready to jump up to give them a long lecture about mean birds and stupid Vogue tips and dangerous work environments. But yes, she is dead and he feels better than in a very long time.

 

Comments

[adafrog.livejournal.com]

lol, and Ianto is still putting Jack off. Loved it.

Dead Gwen

[jennelldhalrbj.livejournal.com]

Yes yes yes--dead Gwen---

[apology-dance.livejournal.com]

Very random unanimous fangirling over PC Andy! Does this mean he's replacing Gwen? And Jack and Ianto are once again flirting while standing over a co-worker's corpse. Perfect.

[f-and-a-fics.livejournal.com]

oh wow i LOVE this! haha i've never laughed so much and loved a fic so much! well done!

[jsks.livejournal.com]

you are a evil genius, from this day on me and mine shall bow to the evil genius that is you. andy fan club, snarky ianto, bad jack. evil cackle! almost makes me feel sorry for gwen, all gone.