antigwenallies | (no subject)

Hi! Just joined the community and decided to post an anti-gwen fic right away! So enjoy!

Title: Furby
Rating: PG
Pairing: janto
Genre: humor
Warnings: gwen bashing
Summary: a furry alien is threatening to pull Jack and Ianto apart...
Disclaimer: nothing belongs to me

When the small and adorably cute (despite the needle sharp teeth) alien started to call Ianto ‘mummy’ (right after eating his favourite navy blue tie) everyone thought it was hilarious. Well anyone else except Ianto who was still grieving after the tie. Owen laughed so hard that he fell out of his chair and rolled around the Hub floor with tears pouring down his cheeks and it had only ended when Ianto ‘accidentally’ kicked him in the head. However, that had happened two days ago. Now a furry alien calling Ianto ‘mummy’ and following him everywhere is just very annoying. And kind of dangerous too.

"Um… could you help me? Please?" Ianto asks sounding rather miserable.

And he has his reasons. Like the fact that the cute furry alien is sitting on the top of his head and snarling to anyone who dares to come within ten feet radius from him. Also when he tries to do paperwork the alien jumps down and eats the paper. And the pens. And Jack. This morning he went to Jack to give the every morning coffee when the alien got jealous and bit a large chunk out of Jacks thumb. Which is totally not cool.

"I am not coming near you after that" Owen says from the other side of the room pointing at Jacks hand.

"We have to get that thing off somehow. It’s getting a little too overprotecting" Tosh sighs.

"You think so?" Ianto answers dryly, rolling his eyes.

The alien coos at his voice. Sometimes it kind of reminds him of Jack - cute, possessive, loves

’beautiful, Welsh vowels’ and bites.

"We could try Weevil spray" Gwen suggests.

"No. That thing is on Ianto. We spray it and we spray him too. I don’t want to risk his health in this" Jack disagrees looking at her like she's an idiot.

"We could give him a gas mask."

"No. It would just eat it. Apparently it eats everything" Ianto answers heavily.

"Gas mask is bigger than it."

"And last time I checked my entire collection of Irvine Welsh books was bigger than it. That didn’t stop it from eating every single book!"

"Oh."

"We could always just, you know… shoot it" Owen shrugs.

"No!" Gwen shrieks immediately. "Look at it! It’s too cute to shoot!"

The alien seems to understand that this is matter of life and death and puts on the cutest expression it knows. With huge wet eyes and teeth hidden in the mess of fur it reaches its goal - on the other side of the room Gwens heart melts.

"It bit a chunk out of my thumb. I can’t touch Ianto. I’m with Owen in this" Jack grumbles.

"It is pretty damn fast. If you try to shoot it you will probably kill me in the process. And then it would probably eat my body or eat you or both" Ianto comments gloomily.

"We could try…"

"Owen, no" Tosh says shaking her head.

"You don’t know what I was going to say!"

"The singularity scalpel" Tosh, Jack, Gwen and Ianto say at the same time.

Owen looks suspiciously much like he’s sulking.

"Maybe we should just buy a cat. Cats like small, furry and squeaking things" Gwen says optimistically.

"And that would be less cruel than just shooting it?" Ianto answers.

"Well not as cruel as covering it with Myfanwys barbeque sauce."

"Or we could use a stun gun!"

"Again: too fast" Ianto sighs and gently peels the alien off his head and puts it to table where it immediately takes a pen and starts to chew it.

"Maybe we could throw it to the rift manipulator and see where it ends up."

"For the millionth time: the manipulator doesn’t work like that Owen" Tosh says.

The whole team falls to depressed silence once again. Gwen is moping because now there is no one to do her paperwork so she could get home early and without Ianto and his mystical muffin lair, she’s suffering trough horrible withdrawal symptoms from her favourite treats, also when Ianto is in troubles Jack is fussing over him too much to pay any well deserved attention on her - which sucks. Tosh is sad because Ianto is her best friend and it’s impossible to have friends night out when the other has a living, nasty hat. Owen is extra caveman-ish because (even though he won’t ever say it) Ianto is the coffee king and without the coffee… you get the idea. Jack is depressed because he misses his sex time. Obviously.

But one thing that pulls them out of their dwelling is a sudden snap, a squeak and Iantos voice firmly saying:

"Get off me. I’m not your mummy."

The alien looks at him in a shock and slowly backs away until it sits down with a thud to the opposite end of the table. For a moment no one says a word and then…

"…Or teaboy could’ve done that ages ago" Owen mumbles.

"Fucking finally!" Jack growls and pounces pushing everything on his way aside to get to Ianto.

"Oi!" Owen shouts when his elbow hits the wall. "Watch it! And also a friendly notion - get a room!"

Jack is too busy to answers because he’s groping Ianto to make up all the lost time.

"Oh! Look! It’s crying! Did you have to be so mean?" Gwen says accusingly, crouching near the alien.

"Oh come here little one, don’t cry!"

"Gwen, no!" everyone shouts but it’s too late.

The alien attaches itself to her with a maniacs grin full of needle sharp teeth and then snarls at Owen when he moves to back off.

"Oops?" she tentatively says and the alien coos.

"That’s it" Jack growls hand moving towards his Webley.

"You’re going to shoot it?" Ianto asks sounding very much approving to the idea of getting rid of his little torturer (or both of them) for good.

"Yep."

"Hey!" Gwen shouts. "How come you’re willing to shoot it now?!"

Jack glances at Ianto who can’t hide his smugness all that well.

"Just shoot it" Ianto comments. "It's worth of the risk."

"What ever you say" Jack answers, drops a kiss to Iantos mouth and aims the gun at Gwens general direction.

---

I'm sorry about the possible errors because this story is un-betad! *hides under a basket*

The Anti Gwen Alliance

we will not run, we will not hide, we hate Gwen, and say it with pride

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Loved It!

Re: Loved It!

Re: Loved It!

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