antigwenallies | A cow mated with a blowfish

Title: A cow mated with a blowfish
Rating: maybe a soft R
Pairing: Jack/Ianto, Rodney/John
Disclaimer: I don't own anything from either Universe's. Includes merchandise, franchise, collector items, Characters etc.
Summary: “If I wanted to be wet and miserable I would have gone to a theme park!”
Warning: Gwen Bashing

A/N: Written for the crossover challenge for AGA. Stargate Atlantis and Torchwood crossover. This has been stuck in my head all day.

“Why are we in Wales, I mean seriously If I wanted to be wet and miserable I would have gone to a theme park!” A snappish voice rang out over the millennium centre

“Mer, I met your sister and you always wanted to meet my family”

“Yes, when I thought they would be in America and watching NFL”

“You sister was in Canada, and I still visited!”

“Okay, Okay” Rodney threw up his hands in a dramatic gesture

Staring around the bay before finally stopping to rest at his soon to be husband, decked out in all black fatigues that garnered strange looks at the airport, while Rodney himself thought bout going less conspicuous with a Armini black suit. John suddenly grinned and started to drag him towards a dirty shack just by the bay-side. Going inside the dirty door, Rodney was confronted with the damp musk smell which according to a sign on the desk was a tourist information kiosk

“Dear lord, Its me I know I don't usually do this, but if you could find it in a way to save me the most smartest person on this planet I will pray everyday” Rodney murmured under his breath, with John pushing him towards the desk with a laugh, before leaning over and pushing a button under the desk and on their right a stone door came away

“Wow original, I mean they should sell it to some film companies I bet they could make a ton of money on the new star-trek movie you know the one with William Shatner playing Kirk, I mean we are in 1966 now” Rodney said with his usual sarcasm.

“Mer, you know when we had that mini talk with the head of the IOA about your attitude” John replied back, holding Rodney's hand pulling him along in the corridor

“All I remember is he saying that I should be more aware of others, before I started making calculations with Radek, how long it would take for him to know he had spinach in his teeth and to how long it takes that we were smiling at it rather then his ideas” John suddenly laughed, loud and bellyful.

“Don't ever change Mer, Don't ever change”

Through the rolling door with the blaring alarm had Rodney staring at it with complete apathy, until he got a look inside with grating walkway a massive tower of water running down it into a mini pool, Glass rooms around the place which obviously held conference rooms and boss's office, John dragged him up the steps onto a little platform area which held computers and a room down the steps to a white walled autopsy bay. John suddenly let go of his hand and ran over to a handsome man dressed in a grey and red well-fitting suit who was coming out of the bosses office

“Ianto” John hugged the man as he came to a rest at the nearest computers, Rodney was shocked as John never embraced somebody so willingly

“John, hows my big brother doing?” The man named Ianto inquired with a welsh accent, hugging back before letting go

“I'm fine. How is my little brother doing, still capturing the gorgeous girls with the accent?” John jokingly said back

“Well he captured me” A deep American voice replied back. A man was coming down the stairs dressed in trousers with breeches and a white top, with chiselled good looks and eyes that seemed to sparkle, Ianto laughed as the man draped himself round his back. Rodney walked over and dropped his arm around Johns waist.

“Jack, be nice. This is my brother and his fiancée”

“Brother? I thought you had a sister” replied the man named Jack

“Half-brothers, his mum was my mum” John supplied with a bit of a frown

“John, this is my other half Jack” John nodded his head with still a bit of a frown

“Well I'm Rodney, if no-one is going to introduce me, I'm mostly likely the smartest person your going to meet. Also where the hell are we and why am I afraid somebody is going to pull out a tri-corder and start to start talking about a nebular” Rodney intoned

Jack and Ianto looked at him then each other before smiling, causing John to hold onto him more tightly and tense slightly at their expression that usually means Rodney's got to do something.

“I'm sure you've heard of Torchwood” Jack asked

“Torchwood...hmmm.... sits on the rift stopping nasty things coming out”

“Well this is it” Jack looked like he was expecting an awe expression, he was sadly mistaken

“Oh, I thought it would be more...... wow” Rodney said looking around and moving towards one of the computers while Jack let go of Ianto and walked with Rodney to one of the keyboards.

“We like being hidden”

“Yep totally says it, with the perception filter on the slab of pavement and Torchwood splayed on the side of your SUV parked in the open in broad daylight near tourists” Rodney said sarcastic

“ummm yeah..” Before Jack could continue the main door opened and the alarm sounded, dowdy woman came in and walked up the stairs towards them, her brown head stuck in a fashion magazine full of size 0 woman, then stopping before Jack, completely ignoring the others

“Jack do you think I would look good in this” Shoving a page towards him, a back-less bright orange dress displayed

“Ohhh, Do you really think you can get into it, I mean sure woman can get into it, but skinny models, you will never achieve that” Rodney interred cheerfully as Jack was too stunned to say anything

“Wha..” The woman quickly took out her gun and pointed it at him, causing John behind him to growl

“wow, we have been here for a while and you just noticed us, you would do so well if aliens had taken over”

“Shut-p. Jack who are these people?”

“Gwen Cooper, this is Rodney and John, they are family” Jack quietly said

“Jack you didn't tell me we were having guests, why isn't Ianto making coffee for them and we can all sit down and talk while Ianto can man the tourist desk” The dowdy woman called Gwen put her gun on the desk and turned towards Jack with Rodney supposed were puppy eyes but made her look more like cow that had mated with a blowfish which had been tied to a tree and beaten with an ugly stick

“Gwen, this is Ianto's family, why don't you man the desk?” Jack said quite angrily

“But Jack that's not my job, and you don't want me to ruin my perfect figure” Gwen tried the cow eyes again Rodney confessed to himself that they were hypnotising in a how did you survive in life and dear lord I'm going to puke way.

“Are you a bit special? Is there someone looking for you at the moment?”

“No, Jack likes to keep me happy, he needs me” She looked so self believing that everybody was stumped on what was happening

“He needs you like a Panda needs a vasectomy, I mean seriously do we need to call somebody? I'm sure that the nice doctors with their magic medicine are coming and you even get your very own comfy room and if your good enough you can play with others and the blue crayons” Rodney quickly advised to Gwen's confused face and everybody's amusing faces.

“You can't speak to me that way” Gwen quickly shot back

“Yes I can” Rodney turned back to Jack and Into “Why, just why” Ianto looked at Jack who shrugged

“I was having a dumb day, I just got hit over the head” Jack shook his head.

Before any more could be said, a shot rang out and Rodney was tackled out of the way by a heavy body, smashing his back into the grating on the floor, pulling a moan from himself and a grunt from the man above. A woman's scream of frustration rang out before another shot sounded, Rodney turned his head quickly just in time to see Gwen's body jerk back before more shots rang out and Gwen jerked even more, blood spraying over Jack who was on top of him, her limbs flaying but again moving forward and then Rodney could feel Jack moving quickly jump onto his feet and putting bullet after bullet after bullet into her, Gwen finally went down in a mass of blood and pink frothy bits coming out f her mouth. Rodney was pulled up onto the balls of his feet by John and quickly kissed hard and rough, letting go Rodney looked into the dying eyes of Gwen Cooper and just smiled.

“Well that takes care of that, I'll show you two some of the sights of Cardiff” Ianto intoned, stepped over the body and moved towards the door

“Okay, come on Mer” John quickly pushed him towards the door with Jack following behind them.

“Stop ogling their butts Jack” Ianto's voice wafted back

“Well they are fine” Jack smirked when John and Rodney looked back.

“You people are mad” Rodney shook his head and thought 'this is what I'm marrying into'.

The body left laying on floor, pushed to one side of the mind, not spoken about and most certainly nobody was thinking that Myfanwy would mistake it for some cow meat.

Date: 2009-08-10 09:30 pm (UTC)

From:

backrose-17.livejournal.com

no subject

Rodney supposed were puppy eyes but made her look more like cow that had mated with a blowfish which had been tied to a tree and beaten with an ugly stick Oh goodness this is why I love Rodney. I love the idea of Ianto and John been brothers. This was just the cheer up I needed.