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antigwenallies Dec. 30th, 2007 11:11 pm)Title: There are many uses for an i-pod nano
Genre: Gwen bashing
Rating: PG
Summary: Did you know that there are 7 ways to kill someone using an i-pod nano?
For haces222 - *sigh* Happy? I’ve been converted! (there is a slight lobster mention)
Ianto was cleaning the Hub on a late Tuesday night when he came upon something very interesting. He was cleaning the pigsty that Owen called a desk when a piece of paper fell out of a medical folder. He stooped and picked it up, scanning it quickly.
Frowning he quickly folded the piece of paper and shoved it in his pocket. Finishing up the cleaning he hurried up to the Boardroom. Slamming the door open he made the other occupants of the room jump.
“Oh”, Tosh sighed, “Thank god it’s just you”.
Ianto gave her and Jack a quick smile before marching over to the last person in the room.
“Just what is this?” he waved the piece of paper at Owen.
Jack and Tosh wandered over to see what Ianto was talking about.
“You should know”, Owen scoffed, “You’re the one that printed it”.
Ianto quickly counted to ten, trying to give himself some patience.
“It was just left out in the open”, Ianto slammed the piece of information onto the Boardroom table, “don’t let it happen again”.
“Yes sir”, Owen saluted him sarcastically.
Jack chuckled good naturedly and handed the piece of paper to Tosh, “Here, keep it safe”.
SEVEN WAYS TO KILL SOMEONE BY USING AN IPOD NANO.
- - - -
1. Break it in half with your hands (very easy to do) and use the glass viewing screen's broken edge as a razorblade to slice the jugular when they are looking the other way.
2. Take off one sock (a dress or tube sock; pantyhose will work in a pinch), place the Nano in the sock, swing it around as fast as you can (being careful to not hit yourself), and whack the intended target right on the temple.
3. Take the reflective shiny part and catch the sun's ray and shine it in a vehicle driver's eyes, or if you are at a rock concert and the lead singer is prancing around on a centre stage that protrudes into the audience like a phallus, you can use the same technique.
4. The cord on the ear bud headphones can be used to strangle someone. A knee in the back can give extra leverage.
5. Dig a pit about 5 feet deep, then take about 15 3-foot-long stakes 2 inches in diameter and sharpen one end to a fine point, like a very sharp pencil. Jam the sticks at least a foot into the ground, with the sharp ends pointing up. Cover the hole with pine boughs, grass, and leaves. Treat the Nano like a slice of cheese pizza in a deep, hot oven and place it gently in the middle.
6. Carefully un-staple a tea bag and pour the contents on a plate. Break into the lithium-ion battery pack and saturate the tea with the battery's poison, then dry the tea in the sun (or with a hair dryer if you are in a hurry). Put tea back in tea bag and bend the staple back to its original position. Put the tea bag back where you got it.
7. Download to the Nano Celine Dion’s ‘My Heart Will Go On’. Tell someone you will give him or her your Nano if they listen to that song a hundred times in a row.
“Will do”, Tosh pocket the vital piece of information.
“Now”, Jack moved to the head of the table, “First things first. I now call the 25th meeting of the ‘We Hate Gwen Cooper Club’ to order”.
Owen rolled his eyes.
“Hey”, Jack cautioned, “You started it”.
Owen shrugged, “I was bored, she’s annoying. I just put two and two together”.
“And got 5”, Tosh muttered under her breath.
Ianto and Jack laughed but Owen leaned back in his chair and pouted.
“Come on”, she smirked at him, “Don’t be such a baby”.
Owen opened his mouth to retaliate but Ianto started talking before him.
“I want to know something”, he gazed from one person to another, “We have been given a number of opportunities to, ah, end it and we haven’t, or you haven’t. Why?”.
Everyone looked at Owen who sat cradling an i-pod.
“We only have an I-pod mini. Not a nano”, he said sheepishly
“Do you think it matters?” Jack asked worriedly.
“I don’t know”, Owen answered honestly.
“Shouldn’t do”, Tosh told them, “The only thing different is the features on them. The general shape and size isn’t that varied”
“But i-pod nano’s are much better than mini’s”, Owen put in his opinion.
“They are not!” Tosh protested, “The original is the best”.
Ianto sighed and rubbed at his temples.
“I knew it”, he muttered to himself, “I knew I should have ordered the lobsters. They eat everything”.
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Number 7 works very well... Shar-Lyn is obsessed with the movie Titanic. *shudder* it's a good movie the first time around but after you hear "I'm flying Jack! I'm flying!" for the 20th time you just wanna write a fic where he pushes her off the boat. Whoa! I really am evil... Oh well! It'll help with the whole taking over the world plot *grin*
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Hmm, idea *evil grin* How about Owen plans a romatic date for Gwen and takes her on a ferry ride or something and they make a joke about how Titanic is her fav movie and he tells her to stand up on the rail and she happily does it. She's standing there going "I'm flying Owen! I'm flying".
And *push* Weeee! Bye Bye Gweny!
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i love it! XD
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the guy who said it sounded like "the hotdogs go on" ruines it for me lol
ICON!! i made it mine self. v proud lol
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Are you a newbie to AGA like me?
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dun-dun-dun
love number 7 the most :D
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If not I'll have to find my sisters...
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How did we survive before Ipods? They do everything: they play your music, let you watch videos, kill your annoying co-workers!
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...Which I can't believe I'm saying, since Gwen is my favourite character. I followed this fic over from
So, good job! :D
Er, also disregard my comment in the other community, as I've figured out what 'AGA' stands for. XD
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All I try to do is post a funny story and people aren't exactly nice about it.
I used to love Gwen too. She was my fav character but I don't know. read a couple of funny Gwen bashing fics. Got told about AGA by haces222 (a godsend!) and well yeah.
I also write stories where they're nice to her. I can go either way :)
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Think my favourite is #2, though #7 would drive me insane after 1 go. Haven't seen Titanic - not my type of film. Anyway, was laughing while reading this one. Need an AGA t-shirt perhaps - especially since my youngest likes her *sigh* where did I go wrong - she'll probably grow up watching Titanic also. The errors of youth.
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I spent the next half arguing with her whether it was based on a true story!
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But you haven't seen Titanic? You're the first person I've met that hasn't.
Glad I made you laugh and I think the t-shir idea is brilliant :)